by fatemeh pouresmaeil

From comparison and jealousy to competition—are men and society always the only ones to blame?

When we discuss the challenges women face, attention usually turns toward men, discriminatory laws, traditional expectations, or patriarchal social structures. Many of these factors are real and should not be ignored. Yet there is another uncomfortable part of the conversation that receives far less attention: sometimes, one of a woman’s harshest critics is another woman.

At family gatherings, in workplaces, among friends, and especially on social media, women sometimes judge one another’s appearance, marriages, children, careers, success, and failures.

“Did you see how much she has aged?”

“Her husband is wealthy. What has she accomplished on her own?”

“She leaves her child in daycare just so she can work.”

Or the opposite:

“She studied all those years just to become a housewife?”

Why does this happen? Why do women who have experienced society’s judgment themselves sometimes repeat the same behavior toward other women?

Comparison Begins Early

Many of us grew up in families where comparing children was considered normal.

“Look at the grades your cousin gets.”

“Your sister has lost so much weight.”

“Everyone your age is getting married. What are you waiting for?”

Parents may believe these comparisons create motivation. But they can also teach a child that another person’s success somehow reduces her own value.

That lesson can follow a girl into adulthood.

When a friend gets married, instead of simply being happy for her, she may wonder, “Why hasn’t that happened for me?”

When a colleague receives a promotion, she may search for a reason to minimize that accomplishment.

This is not always cruelty. Sometimes insecurity and feelings of inadequacy are hiding underneath the criticism.

Social Media: A Competition With No Finish Line

Social media has dramatically intensified this culture of comparison.

Every day, we see photographs of vacations, beautiful homes, expensive clothes, anniversary celebrations, successful children, romantic marriages, and seemingly perfect lives.

But few people post pictures of last night’s argument, unpaid bills, loneliness, anxiety, or problems in their marriage.

As a result, we compare the backstage of our own lives with the carefully arranged storefront of someone else’s.

When that comparison becomes constant, another woman’s happiness can begin to feel less like inspiration and more like a threat.

Why Is a Successful Woman So Often Questioned?

When a man becomes successful professionally, people often speak about his intelligence, ambition, hard work, or leadership.

When a woman succeeds, different whispers may sometimes begin.

“Someone must have helped her.”

“She had connections.”

“Her husband had money.”

Of course, connections, family circumstances, timing, and luck can influence anyone’s success—male or female. But it is revealing how quickly people sometimes search for explanations other than talent and hard work when the successful person is a woman.

And unfortunately, those comments do not always come from men.

When women diminish another woman’s achievements, they unintentionally reinforce the very stereotypes that have made professional advancement more difficult for women in the first place.

Mothers Cannot Seem to Win Either

Few groups are judged as constantly as mothers.

If a mother works, someone may say, “Children need their mother more than they need money.”

If she stays home, someone else asks, “Did she really give up her entire career just to stay home?”

If she is strict, she is controlling. If she gives her children more freedom, she is irresponsible.

If she has one child, people ask when she will have another. If she has several children, they wonder why she had so many.

Almost every choice becomes an invitation for commentary.

Perhaps it is time to recognize that there is no single formula for being a good mother. Families have different circumstances, children have different needs, and women have different dreams and priorities.

Appearance: An Old Battlefield

Women have long been encouraged to compare themselves physically.

Who looks younger? Who lost weight? Who wore the better dress? Who received more attention?

When appearance becomes a measure of personal worth, even friendships can become unnecessarily competitive.

But another woman’s beauty does not make you less beautiful. Her youth does not diminish your experience. Her confidence does not reduce yours.

Life is not a beauty contest in which only one woman can win.

Competition in the Workplace

The professional world creates another complicated form of competition.

Women have historically had to work harder to reach certain leadership positions. When opportunities appear limited, competition naturally becomes stronger.

But there is an enormous difference between professional competition and personal destruction.

Two women can compete for the same promotion while still respecting each other’s abilities.

Women who reach positions of influence and then mentor younger women, share their experience, and create opportunities for the next generation can produce lasting change.

Success is not only about climbing the ladder. Sometimes it is also about leaving the ladder in place for the woman coming behind you.

Is Jealousy Always Terrible?

Jealousy is a human emotion. Almost everyone experiences it at some point.

The important question is not whether we occasionally feel jealous, but what we do with that feeling.

If a friend’s success makes us uncomfortable, instead of attacking or criticizing her, perhaps we should ask ourselves:

“What is her success revealing about something I want in my own life?”

Maybe she has achieved something we have wanted for years but were afraid to pursue.

In that case, another person’s success does not have to become an enemy. It can become a mirror—and perhaps even motivation.

Women Against Women: Who Benefits?

Every time a woman is humiliated by other women because of her divorce, age, weight, relationship status, motherhood, clothing, or career choices, the same culture women have struggled against becomes stronger.

We cannot ask men to stop judging women while continuing the same behavior ourselves.

We cannot demand freedom of choice and then attack another woman because her choices are different from ours.

Female solidarity does not mean women must agree with one another about everything. That would be unrealistic.

It simply means that disagreement does not have to become humiliation.

A woman can disagree with another woman’s lifestyle, politics, parenting choices, or personal decisions while still respecting her dignity.

Men Are Part of This Culture Too

None of this should become an excuse to blame women for their own difficulties.

Competition among women did not develop in a vacuum.

For generations, women’s social value was often measured through beauty, marriage, motherhood, their husband’s status, and approval from others. A culture built around those measurements naturally encourages competition.

Men can also intensify these pressures when they compare wives, daughters, coworkers, or partners with other women.

So the solution is not to find a new group to blame.

The goal should be to break the cycle.

Conclusion

Perhaps some of the most meaningful improvements in women’s lives will not begin in a parliament, courthouse, or government office. They may begin in our everyday behavior toward one another.

The next time another woman succeeds, perhaps we can celebrate her before searching for a reason to minimize what she accomplished.

If a friend gains weight, we probably do not need to inform her. She owns a mirror.

If a woman gets divorced, we do not need to open an investigation into her private life.

If a mother raises her children differently than we would, perhaps we should remember that we do not know her entire story.

And if another woman is more beautiful, successful, wealthy, popular, or confident than we are, none of those things reduce our own value.

One woman rising does not require another woman to fall.

Perhaps the true strength of women will become most visible when they stop measuring themselves against one another and begin supporting one another—not because every woman must think alike or live the same way, but because every woman deserves the opportunity to build her own life without constantly fearing the judgment of others.