by shahbod noori
Why, despite having more ways to communicate than ever, have we grown farther apart?
There was a time when we had no WhatsApp, Instagram, text messages, or smartphones in our pockets twenty-four hours a day. If you wanted to speak with a friend, you called their home—and sometimes, before reaching them, you had to get past their mother, father, brother, or sister!
And yet, strangely enough, we may have known more about our friends’ lives then than we do today.
We made plans. We met in person. We sat together for hours talking about everything and nothing. We didn’t need to send a yellow laughing emoji because we could actually hear our friend’s laughter.
Today, nearly every communication tool imaginable is in the palm of our hand. Within seconds, we can video-call someone on the other side of the world.
Yet months can pass without hearing the voice of one of our closest old friends.
What happened?
Where did our old friendships go?
Friendships That Never Officially Ended
Many old friendships did not end because of an argument.
Nobody ever said, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”
Life simply happened.
One person got married. Another had children. Someone moved away. Someone else immigrated. Careers became demanding, family responsibilities increased, and time became scarce.
Meeting once a week became once a month.
Then every few months.
Then birthdays and holidays.
Eventually, someone who once occupied an important place in our daily life became a brief message:
“Happy Birthday, my dear! ❤️”
And yet, when someone asks about that person, we still say, “Oh, that’s one of my best friends.”
We may not have seen them in five years!
Perhaps the friendship never ended. Life simply pushed it quietly into a corner.
When We Had Time for Friendship
When we are young, friendship is naturally one of life’s priorities.
We can spend hours sitting with friends talking about absolutely nothing. A cup of coffee can last three hours. Sometimes there isn’t even a reason to meet—we simply want to be together.
Then adulthood fills the calendar.
Work, marriage, children, bills, shopping, family responsibilities, medical appointments, home repairs, and a thousand other obligations appear.
Friendship slowly moves toward the bottom of the list.
We say, “I’ll call next week.”
Next week becomes next month.
And next month sometimes becomes next year.
Not because we stopped caring, but because we assume there will always be more time.
Unfortunately, there isn’t always more time.
Immigration: The Silent Enemy of Many Friendships
For Iranians living abroad, immigration is an especially important part of this story.
Many of us have friends with whom we shared some of the best years of our lives, but today we live in completely different parts of the world.
One is in Los Angeles. Another is in Toronto. Someone is in London or Germany, while another may still be in Iran.
Once, only a few streets separated us.
Today, it may be several continents.
And yet something remarkable happens when we meet one of those friends after twenty or thirty years.
Within minutes, the distance seems to disappear.
Someone mentions an old name.
A forgotten story comes up.
Suddenly, we are laughing exactly as we did decades ago.
That may be one of the great beauties of genuine friendship: some relationships do not need daily maintenance to remain meaningful. Their roots run deep enough to survive years of distance.
Has Social Media Fooled Us?
Social media has created an unusual illusion of connection.
We see a friend’s photographs. We know where they traveled, when their child’s birthday was, what restaurant they visited last night, and perhaps even what they had for dinner.
So we feel as though we are still connected.
But knowing that your friend vacationed in Hawaii is very different from knowing how your friend is actually doing.
We can watch one another’s lives online for years without ever asking one simple question:
“How are you—really?”
Even birthdays have become automated. Our phones remind us, and we send a quick greeting.
Social media may have increased communication, but it has not necessarily deepened friendship.
We know more about people while sometimes speaking with them less.
Old Friends Know a Version of Us Others Never Met
An old friend remembers a version of us that may no longer exist.
They knew us before the job title, before the success, before the house and the car, perhaps even before marriage and children.
They remember our early dreams.
They witnessed our youthful mistakes.
They may even remember the worst haircut we ever had!
And somehow, they are still our friend.
There is a particular freedom in an old friendship. We don’t constantly need to introduce ourselves or prove who we are.
Sometimes an old friend needs to say only one sentence to revive a thirty-year-old memory, and suddenly both people are laughing without anyone else understanding why.
Relationships like that cannot be manufactured overnight.
Time is one of their essential ingredients.
Not Every Old Friendship Needs to Be Revived
Of course, age alone does not make a relationship good.
Some friendships ended for legitimate reasons. Some relationships were unhealthy, and some people simply traveled in completely different directions.
Nostalgia should not persuade us to invite harmful relationships back into our lives.
The idea is not to open a forty-year-old address book and call everyone!
It is simply to avoid losing valuable people because of neglect and busyness.
There is an enormous difference between a friendship that needed to end and a good friendship that was simply forgotten.
Adult Friendship Requires Effort
When we are young, friendships often happen naturally.
School, university, military service, work, or the neighborhood regularly puts us in the same place.
In adulthood, friendship requires intention.
We have to call.
We have to make plans.
We have to put time on the calendar.
And sometimes, we have to be the first person to reach out.
One common mistake is thinking:
“If they miss me, they can call me.”
Perhaps your friend is sitting somewhere saying exactly the same thing!
The result is two people who miss each other but spend years waiting for the other person to make the first move.
Pride can be a strange thing.
We miss someone we love but refuse to dial their number because, “This time it’s their turn.”
Friendship is not an accounting system.
It doesn’t matter who called last.
If you miss someone, call them.
Perhaps We Need Friends More As We Grow Older
When we are young, we assume there will always be many people around us.
But over time, our circle often becomes smaller.
Children grow up and build lives of their own. Coworkers change. Families become scattered. Sadly, some people we love are no longer with us.
At that stage of life, a true friend can become even more precious.
Someone to have coffee with.
Someone to take a walk with.
Someone with whom we can discuss our worries—or, for a couple of hours, become the twenty-something-year-olds we once were.
Friendship isn’t merely entertainment.
Sometimes a friend is the person who reminds us, during life’s difficult moments, that we are not alone.
Maybe Today Is the Day to Make That Call
Most of us probably have one particular person in mind right now.
Someone who was once part of our everyday life.
Someone we laughed with, traveled with, trusted with our secrets, or shared part of our youth with.
For months—or perhaps years—we have been meaning to call.
But we haven’t.
Maybe today is a good day.
There is no need for a long explanation about why ten years have passed.
Sometimes all we need to say is:
“Where have you been, my friend? I thought about you today. I miss you.”
There may be a few seconds of silence on the other end.
Then we may hear a voice we haven’t heard in years.
And perhaps, within minutes, we’ll both be laughing exactly as we did thirty years ago.
We live in an age when we can connect instantly with thousands of people, but no technology can replace a genuine friend.
Good friends are part of the history of our lives. They witnessed chapters of our story that perhaps nobody else will ever fully understand.
So maybe this week, instead of simply seeing an old friend’s photograph on our phone and scrolling past it, we should use that same phone for what it was originally meant to do.
Call.
Some people should not exist only in our memories. While there is still time, perhaps we should invite them back into our lives.