By: Fatemeh Pouresmaeil
When family, tradition, and fear of “what people will say” make decisions for a woman
A woman may be 25, 30, or even 40 years old. She may be a doctor, engineer, university professor, business owner, or executive responsible for dozens of employees. She can earn her own income, pay taxes, make important professional decisions, and manage a complicated life.
Yet in some Iranian families, that same woman may still hear questions such as: “Did you ask your father?” “Does your brother know?” or, after marriage, “Does your husband allow it?”
This contradiction reflects a long-standing challenge for some Iranian women: society may recognize them as adults, while their families still struggle to accept that they have the right to make final decisions about their own lives.
This issue is not only about government or law. The Islamic Republic has imposed legal restrictions on women in several areas, and those restrictions cannot be ignored. But even if every discriminatory law disappeared tomorrow, would the problem completely disappear?
Probably not.
A significant part of this attitude exists within families, traditions, and cultural expectations that have been passed from one generation to another.
“We Know What Is Best for You”
Control does not always begin with anger or threats. In fact, it often begins with love.
A father says, “I’m worried about you.”
A mother says, “I don’t want people talking about you.”
A brother says, “I’m a man; I know how society works.”
Their intentions may genuinely be protective. The problem begins when protection stops being advice and becomes authority.
There is a major difference between saying, “I’m concerned about this decision,” and saying, “You are not allowed to do it.”
Families should offer advice, share experience, and warn their children about potential risks. But an adult woman should also have the right to listen to that advice, make her own decision, and accept responsibility for the consequences.
Freedom for Sons, Fear for Daughters
One of the clearest examples of this double standard can be found in the different expectations placed on sons and daughters.
A son in his twenties may come home late, travel with friends, move to another city for work, or make decisions about his personal relationships. His independence is often considered a normal part of becoming an adult.
His sister may face a very different response.
Where are you going? Who will be there? What time will you return? Why do you need to go? What will people think?
Some of this difference comes from legitimate concerns about women’s safety. Women face risks in many societies that men may experience less frequently. Those concerns should not simply be dismissed.
But safety should not become an excuse for eliminating independence.
The answer to danger is education, awareness, responsible decision-making, and creating safer communities—not restricting half of society in the name of protecting it.
The Power of “What Will People Say?”
Perhaps one of the strongest forms of social control in Iranian culture is not a law or a government official. It is one simple sentence:
“What will people say?”
But who exactly are these “people”?
Neighbors? Relatives? Family friends? Individuals who may discuss someone’s life for a few minutes and then return to their own?
Sometimes a woman sacrifices years of her life trying to satisfy people who will never be responsible for her happiness.
She may abandon a field of study she loves, reject a job opportunity, avoid traveling alone, give up the idea of living independently, or even turn away from someone she wishes to marry because her family fears social judgment.
But if those decisions eventually lead to regret, the same people who judged her will not accept responsibility for the life she lost.
Women Can Also Continue the Cycle
If we want to discuss this issue fairly, we cannot place all responsibility on men.
In many families, mothers themselves become powerful guardians of traditions that restrict their daughters.
This does not necessarily come from cruelty. A mother who grew up in a restrictive environment may simply pass along what she was taught. She may sincerely believe that greater control means greater protection.
Sometimes women judge the behavior of other women even more harshly than men do.
This reminds us that gender discrimination is not maintained by men alone. A culture can be passed from generation to generation by both women and men.
And therefore, change must involve both.
Marriage Should Not Simply Transfer Control
Some women spend years seeking greater independence and imagine marriage will finally provide it. Instead, they may discover that the source of control has simply changed.
Before marriage, the father made certain decisions. After marriage, the husband may assume the same role.
Clothing, friendships, employment, travel, social activities, and even contact with family can become matters requiring “permission.”
Of course, marriage requires consideration for another person. Decisions that affect a couple’s shared life should be discussed together. Independence does not mean ignoring one’s spouse.
But there is an important difference between consultation and permission.
In a healthy marriage, husband and wife communicate and make decisions as partners. Neither person owns the other.
Independence Does Not Mean Rejecting Family
Another common misunderstanding is the belief that an independent woman must somehow be against her family or traditions.
That is simply not true.
A woman can deeply love her parents, respect family traditions, value the experience of older generations, and still make final decisions about her own future.
Independence also means responsibility.
If adults have the freedom to make choices, they must also accept the consequences of those choices. That principle should apply equally to women and men.
Sometimes families become so afraid that a daughter might make a mistake that they prevent her from making decisions altogether.
But how does anyone become a mature adult without making choices—and occasionally making mistakes?
We allow sons to experience life and expect them to become men. Why shouldn’t daughters be given the same opportunity to become independent adults?
Men Can Be Part of the Change
Being a father, brother, or husband should not mean becoming a woman’s guardian.
A man who trusts the women in his family to make responsible decisions loses nothing of his own dignity or position. Instead, he builds relationships based on trust.
A father who tells his daughter, “This is my opinion, but the final decision is yours,” teaches one of life’s most valuable lessons: freedom comes with responsibility.
A brother who supports his sister rather than controlling her, and a husband who sees his wife as an equal partner, can both become powerful agents of cultural change.
Change Begins at Home
Legal reform is important, but laws alone cannot transform the thinking of millions of families.
Real change begins around the dinner table, in conversations between fathers and daughters, in the way mothers raise sons and daughters, and in the expectations children observe while growing up.
If boys and girls learn from childhood that freedom, responsibility, and respect belong equally to both genders, the next generation will be less likely to repeat the same inequalities.
Perhaps we also need to redefine what we mean by a “good daughter.”
A good daughter does not have to be a woman who never disagrees.
She can be respectful while holding a different opinion. She can love her family while choosing her own path. She can make mistakes, learn from them, and make better decisions the next time.
Conclusion
The challenges facing Iranian women cannot be explained by one simple answer. Some are the result of laws and policies of the Islamic Republic. Others are rooted in religious interpretations, traditional beliefs, and cultural attitudes that women and men themselves have helped pass from one generation to another.
If we blame only the government, we risk ignoring our own responsibility.
Real change begins when families understand that loving a woman does not mean controlling her.
Parents can worry. They can advise. They can share their experience and even strongly disagree with her decisions. But ultimately, an adult woman should have the right to decide about her education, career, marriage, travel, and the direction of her own life.
Perhaps one of the most meaningful sentences a parent can say to an adult daughter is:
“You know our opinion, but this is your life, and the final decision is yours.”
That simple sentence may represent the beginning of a cultural transformation that no law or government decree can accomplish on its own.