Last week, we wrote about whether women really “nag,” and fortunately, the magazine office is still standing and nobody has broken our windows yet!
So, with the permission of our wonderful female readers, this week I’m going to be a little braver and address another great mystery of married life:
How can a woman stand in front of a closet packed with clothes and announce, “I have absolutely nothing to wear!”?
Imagine a couple has an 8:00 p.m. dinner reservation.
The husband takes a shower at 7:00.
Ten minutes later, he’s out.
Pants. Shirt. Socks. Shoes. A little cologne.
Done.
By 7:20, he is completely ready.
Meanwhile, his wife has been standing in front of the closet since 6:30, and the operation has officially begun.
Dress number one:
“No.”
Number two:
“This makes me look fat.”
Number three:
“I wore this last time.”
Number four:
“Too formal.”
Number five:
“Too casual.”
Number six still has the price tag hanging from the sleeve.
At this point, the husband makes his first historic mistake:
“Wear that one. It looks great!”
She turns around.
“You don’t understand!”
From this moment forward, a wise husband should remain silent.
Anything he says may—and probably will—be used against him!
Twenty minutes later, the bedroom looks like the clearance department of a major department store.
Ten outfits are on the bed.
Three are on the chair.
Two are on the floor.
And somehow, one has ended up hanging from the bathroom door.
Then comes the famous announcement:
“I seriously have nothing to wear!”
The husband looks at the closet.
The closet looks back at the husband.
They both know the truth.
Neither one is brave enough to say it.
But clothing is only Phase One.
Now we move to shoes.
Black shoes?
“Too ordinary.”
Beige?
“They don’t match my purse.”
The new pair?
“They hurt my feet.”
The husband makes Mistake Number Two:
“What about the shoes you bought last week?”
“Those don’t go with THIS!”
At this point, the average man discovers that his entire understanding of color has been a lie.
For most of his life, he believed the world contained black, white, red, blue, green, and maybe brown.
Suddenly he learns that beige and cream are not the same thing, ivory is apparently not white, and there are approximately 47 shades of a color he previously called “pink.”
It is now 7:45.
From the front door comes the husband’s voice:
“Honey, we’re going to be late.”
“I’M COMING!”
Every married man eventually learns that the phrase “I’m coming” does not necessarily indicate physical movement toward the door.
It may mean the hair still needs attention.
Then makeup.
Then earrings.
Then the purse.
And just when the husband believes the operation is finally complete, his wife looks into the mirror and says:
“No. I don’t like this outfit.”
And suddenly…
We are back to Episode One.
Now it is 8:05.
The husband is standing by the door, fully dressed, car keys in hand, providing regular time announcements like an airport control tower.
“It’s eight.”
“It’s 8:05.”
“Our reservation was at eight!”
“I SAID I’M COMING!”
If they are going to a concert, the situation becomes even more serious.
The husband believes that if the concert starts at eight, they should be seated by 7:30.
His wife apparently believes the singer would never consider starting without her.
But in fairness, gentlemen, we are not exactly innocent either.
The same husband who has spent an hour announcing, “We’re late! We’re late!” finally watches his beautifully dressed wife walk toward the door.
She says:
“Okay, let’s go.”
He reaches into his pocket.
Pause.
“Where are the car keys?”
Then:
“Have you seen my wallet?”
And the grand finale:
“Where’s my phone?”
Suddenly, the woman who spent an hour getting ready is standing at the door saying:
“COME ON! WE’RE LATE!”
Justice has been served.
Perhaps underneath all this comedy is simply a difference in how many men and women approach going out.
For many women, getting ready is part of the occasion. The outfit, shoes, hair, accessories, and overall appearance matter.
Many men operate under a somewhat simpler system:
Is it clean?
Does it fit?
Great.
Put it on and let’s go.
Neither approach is necessarily right or wrong.
The trouble begins when each side becomes convinced that their method is the only logical one on Earth.
So perhaps there is a simple solution.
Gentlemen, if your dinner reservation is at eight, don’t tell her to be ready at 7:30.
Tell her seven!
And ladies…
When you are standing in front of a closet so full that one more dress might cause the doors to explode, perhaps use the phrase:
“I have nothing to wear”
with a little caution.
Your husband may someday become brave enough to open the closet and present evidence!
My advice to husbands, however, is:
Don’t do it.
After years of observing married life, I have discovered one very important rule.
When your wife asks:
“Does this look good on me?”
There is only one correct answer:
“You look amazing, honey.”
No analysis.
No alternative suggestions.
And absolutely no mention of the dress hanging in the closet with the price tag still attached.
Just smile and say:
“You look amazing, honey… Now can we please go? We’re late!”
— Shahbod Noori
08/31/2026
Editor-in-Chief
Tehran International Weekly Magazine